Irrational
by BuiltOnHope
Summary: (Part One of the Proximity Trilogy) Cassian Andor had always been a logical man, driven by reason and the stubborn belief that what he was doing was 101% right. Diving into a terrorist camp to rescue Jyn Erso went against every logical conclusion he drew, and the feeling of her in his arms was worse. RebelCaptain
1. Chapter 1

Captain Cassian Andor checked his weapon for what felt like the hundredth time. How long could traveling by light speed take? He knew the planet was far, but not this far. Minutes felt like hours, hours felt like lifetimes.

"Cassian, I recommend you relax," K-2SO said from the co-pilot seat. "We'll be there in twenty minutes."

He didn't respond. He checked his weapon again, finally realized it was giving him no outlet for the anxiety raging inside of him, and pushed it back into his holster.

"She'll be alright."

That sentence finally broke his silence. "How do you know that?" he demanded. "What are the odds of that?"

A pause. "You don't want to know."

K-2 was not usually one for withholding information, so he knew the odds of Jyn being alive were slim to none. Last time he'd heard anything, the Empire had sent troops to capture her from the out-of-control rebel terrorists on Yendoo that had captured her two days ago. These rebels were known for torturing their prisoners, and he'd experienced that torture himself.

That's why Jyn was there. She'd gone in to get him. He'd made a run for the ship outside, thinking she was right behind him, but when he'd looked back she was nowhere in sight. He ran back to get her, but the team she'd been sent with wouldn't allow it. It was simple, they thought. He was a captain, she a new recruit. What did it matter that she'd saved the rebellion? What did it matter they were free because of her? Their mission was to extract Captain Andor, not Jyn Erso. She was considered dispensable.

Dispensable. The word seemed to create a bad taste in his mouth.

"Beginning our decent onto Yendoo," K-2 said. "I recommend paying attention to the controls."

Cassian shook himself out of his thoughts and focused on landing. The next thing, that's what he'd learned. It was easier if you just focused on the next thing. But this was no normal mission. This was unauthorized, even forbidden, by the Rebellion. And if he failed…

The ship jerked hard to the right, and narrowly missed the canyon wall.

"Jyn Erso has done wonders for your ability to focus," K-2 said sarcastically.

"I don't want to hear it," Cassian replied.

He pressed the wrong button, and K-2 quickly corrected. "Perhaps I should fly."

Cassian sighed and leaned back, giving up command of the ship temporarily. He checked his weapon again, realized she'd want one, too, and grabbed another one for her. He checked and double checked her blaster as K-2 brought them closer to the rebel camp.

"Cassian," K-2 said, with more delicacy than was normal for him, "do you like Jyn?"

"Don't you?"

"That's not what I meant."

"Then what did you mean?" Cassian knew the question was a dangerous one, but he asked it anyway.

"Have you developed a romantic attachment to her?"

He paused while he considered how best to evade the question. "What made you think that?"

"Well, probability seems to point that way. Why else would you disobey orders that could hurt her? Why else would you be here?" He paused, and looked at Cassian. "Why else would you be unable to function like a rational being?"

Cassian held K-2's gaze until he couldn't anymore. Fair questions, all of them, he had to admit. And he didn't have a good answer. He'd pushed those thoughts as far back as he could for as long as he could.

The terrorist camp appeared below them. K-2 let the ship down on a ridge overlooking it.

"Do you have a plan?"

"Get in, get Jyn, and get out," Cassian replied. "We separate once inside the camp, cover more ground. If you find her, tell me."

K-2 paused a beat, and said, "That plan has an eighty-three percent chance of failure."

He ignored him. The two descended the ridge and crept into the camp. Rebel warriors in hoods carrying heavy blasters patrolled the camp. Cassian waited for the right moment, signaled for K-2 to go into a different building, and darted into the closest structure. It held only weapons.

As he turned to creep out again, a crate of small explosive devices caught his eye. He grabbed several, found the detonator that all of them were synced to, and activated one of the bombs. In every building she wasn't in, he'd place a bomb, and when he got her out, he'd blow the god-forsaken place.

The next five structures he checked were useless, and he placed bombs in every one. The sixth building, which was really more of a tent, was guarded by two armed and hooded men. He shot them both, not for the first time in his life thankful for the silencer. He darted into the tent and dragged both men inside before turning around.

Jyn was staring at him, her expression one of complete shock. She sat on the ground, and her hands were bound together and chained above her head. A metal gag that looked more like a muzzle than anything else was fastened around her head, covering her mouth.

Thanking the Force for getting him this far, he knelt next to her and reached behind her head. While his fingers worked to release the gag over her mouth, his eyes never left hers. She was relieved to see him, that much was clear. Relived, and angry. He'd expected that. He could deal with that later.

He felt a clasp come free, and pulled the restraint away from her, placing it on the ground next to him. She opened her mouth to say something.

"Not a word," he whispered quickly. She hesitated, glared at him, and closed her mouth. "Are you okay?"

She nodded. "Yes."

He looked at her for a moment, with something stronger than mere relief flooding him. Not knowing what else to say, he reached up and began trying to undo the manacles restraining her hands.

He explained the situation while he tried to free her. "K-2 is here somewhere, looking for you. We came alone. So far, no one knows we're here, so don't draw attention." He realized he'd need either a key or K-2 to safely remove the handcuffs, and he didn't have that kind of time. He placed a hand on his blaster, and her eyes darted to the weapon, then back to him. "Trust me," he whispered. She nodded. He pulled out his blaster, took a step back, aimed carefully, and shot a single laser through the center of the shackles. They broke and fell, releasing her hands.

Jyn rubbed her wrists, and stood stiffly. Cassian looked her over quickly, caught sight of the blood seeping through a tear in the fabric of her pants just below her right knee, and set his jaw. Any reservations he had about the blowing the camp vanished into a storm of anger.

He tore his gaze from the wound and looked her in the face. "Can you walk?"

Jyn nodded. "As long as it's away from here."

"You're never coming back here again," Cassian promised. He pulled out the communicator and spoke into it. "K-2, I've got her. Meet us at the ship."

They waited for K-2's reply. "Copy. I left the engine running."

Cassian handed Jyn the other blaster, which she took gratefully. They were yards from the place she'd been held when a sharp order to stop cut the silence. They stopped, looked at each other, and turned slowly, hands raised. No sooner had they faced the rebel guard then Jyn shot him in the chest. The blast was heard from other parts of the camp, and the alarms were raised.

Cassian noticed her severe limp, and stopped just long enough to wrap an arm around her waist to steady her. The image of a similar scene involving extracted Imperial plans and a close brush with death flashed through his mind. He pushed it away. This was the present, not the past, and they were far from Scarif.

Both of them shot as many rebels as they had to. Before they'd made it out of the camp, the terrorists blocked their way, guns held threateningly in front of them. Cassian realized in an instant how completely insane this plan had been and how much danger he had put both of them in. He wrapped his arms around Jyn, turned his back to the rebels, and forced both of them down, shielding her. The sound of blasters being fired rang through the air.

He was unhurt. Cassian loosened his hold on Jyn just enough to look back. All of the rebels lay dead. Confused, he stood up and a flash caught his attention. K-2SO stood up on the ridge near the ship with two blasters held in his metal hands. Cassian smiled, wrapped an arm around Jyn's waist again, and helped her climb up the ridge to the ship.

Once there, K-2 took Jyn's arm and Cassian let him help her. He turned and looked over the rebel camp beneath them. He took out the detonator and examined it. He hesitated, looking back at the camp. He pictured Jyn's injury again, and pressed the button. With a deafening BOOM, all of the explosions went off simultaneously. Debris shot into the air, and he threw the silver detonator over the ridge. Cassian turned and walked into the ship, closed the bay door, crossed the length of the craft, and sat in the pilot seat. With hardly a look back, he took off, leaving the war-ridden planet of Yendoo behind.

He couldn't believe it had worked. K-2 joined him a minute later and took over the controls once they made a safe jump to light speed. Cassian stood and walked back to where Jyn sat, her injured leg stuck straight out in front of her. K-2 had attempted a clumsy bandage, and blood had already soaked through it. Cassian knelt to fix it.

"You were lucky," he said. Images of what could have happened to her – dismemberment, burning until her skin melted, mind-probing – would haunt him for the rest of his days, he was sure of it. Although he hated the sight of the cut in her leg, it could have been much, much worse.

"Luck had nothing to do with it," she assured him. Her voice was tense. He glanced up at her while he untied the bandage.

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"They wanted information on the Empire," she replied. "My being Galen Erso's daughter, they thought I had it. I simply lied. They had no way of checking if my information was correct or not, so they assumed it was."

"What sort of information did you give them?"

"Fake troop movements, mostly. Names of the men in charge. Vulnerabilities in their systems."

Cassian looked at her for a moment, shook his head in disbelief, and grabbed the bottle of an antiseptic liquid K-2 insisted on keeping around for just such occasions as this. He dabbed some onto a clean cloth, and started cleaning the wound.

When the cloth touched the open cut directly, Jyn drew in a sharp breath. "I can get that," she said.

"I know," Cassian replied, continuing to take care of the injury for her.

She watched him in silence for several minutes. Cassian was keenly aware of her unwavering gaze on him, and purposefully avoided eye-contact. He knew what he'd find in her eyes if he looked at them: frustration and pain at the very least. Her silence betrayed her anger better than she realized.

He couldn't blame her. He had been just as furious when she'd gone to rescue him.

She held her silence until he'd finished cleaning out the cut. He realized that K-2 hadn't said anything since they'd reached light speed, which was almost a miracle. Perhaps this was their way of punishing him for being so reckless.

He wrapped a clean cloth around the cut and tied it tightly and neatly. He stared at it for a moment before finally looking her in the eyes. He was right. She was angry.

"You shouldn't have come," she finally said. He could tell by the tone of her voice that the rescue wasn't the only thing she was angry about, but he had no clue what else he'd done wrong.

"Perhaps," he admitted.

"Did you have the support of the Rebellion?"

"Of course," he lied.

"No," K-2 said.

Jyn raised an eyebrow. "You came alone, without the permission or support of the Alliance, to save one person? A person who, I might add, sacrificed herself to save _you_ in that very spot."

Cassian sighed. "Give me your hand."

"No."

"You're bleeding. Give me your hand."

"I can take care of that myself, Cassian! I will not let you treat me like I'm incapable of taking care of myself."

"I know you are, Jyn!" Cassian snapped. "Let me take care of you."

"You've done enough!"

"I advise against treating her hand," K-2 interjected.

Ignoring both of them, Cassian grabbed her left hand and turned it palm-up. She tried to yank it away, but he held her wrist firmly, and waited until she stopped struggling. He looked at the cut, and saw that it wasn't deep. He could feel the tension in her almost as if it was his own. She was refusing to look at him now, choosing instead to stare at her injured hand.

Cassian took the antiseptic liquid and poured a few drops directly onto her hand. If possible, she tensed even more. He took note of the tension in his own body, and realized that he had never truly been rid of that since the day his world was shattered when he was six years old.

He rested her hand in his, and massaged the area around the cut with his thumb. An old trick he'd learned from a very old pilot that was supposed to fix the circulation and bring white blood cells to the damaged skin. Whether or not it actually worked was anyone's guess. He focused on her hand, and after several moments, felt her begin to relax.

It was almost startling to feel her relax. He looked up from her hand and saw that the tension had left her shoulders and face also. Her head was against the wall behind her, and her eyes remained fixed on her hand.

He continued to rub her hand until he felt sure that the tension between them had relaxed just as she did. In a voice so soft it would be impossible to startle her, he said, "Hey. I'm proud of what you did."

Jyn looked at him. The anger was mostly gone, replaced by a look of pure exhaustion. He wanted nothing more than to take her in his arms and make all of her pain go away – to give her back her mother, her father, her lost friends, her life. But he couldn't – no one could. Comfort had never been something he specialized in, anyway. He preferred to be blunt, to address the truth of a situation, to face it head on and make others do the same. She was the first person he'd ever wanted to shield from the cold reality that so often encompassed their lives.

After several more minutes of a far more peaceful silence, he saw her fighting sleep. Cassian slowly let go of her hand. "Get some rest, okay? You deserve it."

She smiled slightly, and closed her eyes. In a few moments, she was sound asleep. Cassian watched her for a minute or two before joining K-2.

"Don't even try to deny loving her," K-2 said, with something like the droid version of a simper.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Cassian lied.

They sat in silence for another minute. K-2 broke it by saying, "In case you were wondering, there's an eighty-five percent chance of her feeling the same way."

Cassian let that sink in. He smiled a little, risked a glance back at Jyn, and decided to be patient. They were two rebels with every day of the rest of their lives ahead of them. There was no real hurry, was there?


	2. Chapter 2

They cleared Rebel air space an hour later. Apparently, they'd been expected. Half a dozen Rebellion Officers were lined up in front of the docking port, hands behind their backs, spines straight, awaiting orders.

"Great," Cassian sighed.

"I could have told you this would be awaiting us," K-2 said.

They brought the ship down safely, and Cassian crossed over to Jyn. He placed a hand on her shoulder and gently shook her awake. "Hey. We're here."

She sighed, nodded, paused a moment, and stood up. When she put weight on her injured leg, she winced. Cassian wrapped his arm around her waist again. "K, get the door," he said.

As the bay door lowered, the faces of the troops surrounding the ship came into view. Jyn looked around and said, "You really didn't have permission, did you?"

Cassian didn't reply. He helped her off of the ship. Bodhi Rook ran up and he handed her off to him. "Get her to Medical," he said.

Bodhi nodded. He didn't dare say anything, and merely took Jyn into the base. Cassian watched them go out of the corner of his eye, and saw her look back once.

Cassian stood at ease, hands behind his back, not unlike an Imperial officer. K-2 stood behind him and slightly to his left, in a show of support.

Captain Antinian stepped forward and ordered two officers to disarm Cassian. He didn't resist, and even handed over his blaster. Without another word, the officers shackled his hands in front of him and escorted him inside the base. He didn't say a word, didn't defy them. They marched him into the council room. General Draven and Mon Mothma stood together on the far side of the round table, and Cassian was made to stand facing them.

"Captain Andor, your actions today bear a mark of severe recklessness and disobedience," Mon Mothma said. "Explain yourself."

Cassian considered his next words carefully. "Jyn Erso saved the Rebellion," he replied. "It seemed more reckless to leave her there to die."

"Your orders were to remain here!" General Draven stated. "You deliberately disobeyed my orders. This is becoming something of a pattern, isn't it?"

"If I remember correctly, General, you gave me the position in Intelligence because you trusted my judgement. I decided it was better to rescue her. The only ones who went were myself and K-2SO. Respectfully, General, our lives were the only ones at risk."

"Imperial troops arrived just as you left the atmosphere of Yendoo," Mon Mothma informed him. "If you'd left only a few minutes later, you all would have been captured and interrogated by the Empire."

"But we weren't," K-2 pointed out.

"K-2SO, you are relieved," Draven commanded without even a sideways glance at the droid.

"I will go whenever I-"

"K," Cassian said. "Go."

K-2 hesitated a moment, and said, "Alright." He turned to General Draven. "But don't fire him."

"We're losing enough men as it is!" Draven continued as K-2 marched out of the room. "After so many pilots were killed in the attempts to destroy the Death Star, and now the incursion of Amala, we barely have enough troops to sustain this Rebellion! One more adventure like that, Captain Andor, and you may consider yourself a member of the same band of miscreants that belonged to Saw Gerrera." He waved the two guards over. "You may think that over during your night in a cell."

Cassian bit the inside of his cheek to keep from telling Draven just where he could put his orders, but he couldn't resist sending the General a sideways glare as he was marched out of the room.

Honestly, he'd thought the prison cells at the base would be more comfortable, but it seemed that Draven intended to treat him like a fully-fledged prisoner of war for the night. He was given no food and no water, and no blanket to guard against the chill that seeped through the walls and settled in his bones.

He lay on the stone floor and stared up at the ceiling. A drop of water splashed beside his ear. A dull pain started in his lower back, a reminder of another unauthorized mission he'd barely come back from.

Cassian's thoughts turned to Scarif. He played it back in his mind. It was by far the most insane thing he'd ever been a part of. He remembered grabbing the plans at last, returning Krennic's fire, falling, nearly breaking his back against a support beam.

The pain in his back worsened at the thought.

He thought about seeing Krennic with his blaster trained on Jyn, hearing the intensity in his voice pick up, a sure sign that he was about to kill her. Cassian hadn't given him the chance. He remembered the look on Jyn's face when she saw him alive, her embrace, feeling the anger stirring inside her as he'd grabbed her arm to keep her from attacking Krennic, pulling her against him. He remembered the look in her eyes as they'd gone down the lift, her closeness, the long walk to the beach, holding her hand, pulling her into an embrace he knew couldn't protect either of them from the wave of destruction rolling toward them.

How Bodhi had managed to save of all of them boiled down to a miracle, as Chirrut constantly reminded everyone.

He'd never held anyone like he had on that beach, and he didn't understand what made it so different. It wasn't the fact that they were both so sure they were dying, as much as he thought it was then. It was something he couldn't place. It was in the way she'd felt against him, the way he'd been compelled to grab hold of her like a tether to a world he knew he was about to leave.

Cassian contemplated the pure panic he'd felt when he saw that she wasn't on the ship leaving Yendoo when he'd been rescued. On a logical level, it didn't make any sense. He'd been ready to jump out of the ship to go back for her. Why?

He'd always been a logical man, driven by reason and the stubborn belief that what he was doing was 101% right. When he'd committed horrendous crimes, he told himself that it was for a cause he believed in. Everything came back to two things: logic and the Rebellion.

How he felt about Jyn didn't have anything to do with the Rebellion, and it certainly wasn't logical.

He tried to solve it rationally, driving himself nearly mad with every failed attempt. He finally slipped into a restless sleep.

The hiss of the pressurized door woke him. He sat up quickly. The woman he'd lost sleep over was standing in the doorway, arms crossed, all hard edges. All hard edges, except for her eyes, which were looking at him with something like amusement.

"Draven says you're free to go," she said.

Cassian stood rather stiffly, and stretched. His hands were still bound, and he held them up expectantly. She stepped into the cell and unlocked them.

He noticed her eyes lingered on his wrists, and he followed her gaze. The skin was rubbed raw, a clear indication of the hard night he'd passed. In addition to losing sleep thinking of her, he'd had a vivid nightmare. The trembling in his hands that often accompanied the nightmares was carefully hidden. He didn't want her asking any questions.

"Draven couldn't come himself?" he asked, trying to distract her from his injury.

She shrugged. "He said you'd be happy to see me." She smirked. "Sleep okay?"

Jyn already knew the answer to that. He smirked back. "Always." He nodded down. "How's your leg?"

She shrugged again. "Stitched up. I'll live."

Cassian absentmindedly rubbed his wrists, feeling the cracked and bleeding skin. He saw her eyes drawn to the movement, and watched her hand slowly move toward his. She must have thought better of it, because her hand dropped before she'd touched him.

"I never thanked you," she said, looking back into his eyes again.

He smiled a little. "And you'll never have to."

She returned his smile with a small one of her own. They looked at each other in silence. Cassian noticed the tiny flecks of gold in her otherwise silvery green eyes.

Jyn took a step back, consciously breaking the intensity between them. Her mouth turned up in the half smile she always gave when she was trying to hide what she was really feeling, and said, "Go get a hot meal and a shower. I heard Draven starved you."

Cassian followed her out of the cell block. They walked side by side through most of the base, saying not a word, until the place where the hallway branched off into the male and female quarters. Since Cassian had been there for more years than most of the other rebels, he had the rare privilege of his own apartment.

The room was rather small, but it had its own bathroom, and it was a place to call his own. Princess Leia, a personal friend of his, had pulled several strings to secure this apartment for him. Everything was clean and orderly. He smirked as he realized that his room was really the only thing in his life that those two words accurately described. He had a very strict rule against guests. He didn't make exceptions to that rule, and it was common knowledge around the base that anyone who stepped foot inside Cassian Andor's apartment would likely be found in the Medical Ward the next day.

He started the shower, and undressed slowly. He was hungry, of course, but he wasn't in any hurry to leave the sanctuary of privacy. He let the hot water run down his body, easing the tension in his sore muscles.

Cassian looked at his hands again. They were shaking, almost violently. He sighed. There wasn't really anything he could do about it. He could hide it well enough, but only for a little while. He'd learned from years of working with the Rebellion that when his hands shook, the only cure was complete forgetfulness. And that could only be found at the bottom of a bottle.

He stayed under the hot water until it turned cold, and shut the water off. He pulled on a pair of clean pants and opened the door. Running a towel through his wet hair, he was halfway to his wardrobe when he froze.

Jyn was sitting on his bed, smirking at him, a plate of food held out in her hands.

Cassian stared at her. It was the first time he'd seen anyone in his room in years. When he got over the initial shock, he stammered out the obvious question. "What are you doing here?"

She grinned. "We got worried when you didn't show up for breakfast, so I thought I'd bring it to you."

Her answer was so simple it took him a moment to process. "What made you think you could come in here?"

She stood up and walked over to him. The closer she got the more self-conscious he became, painfully aware he hadn't thought to pull on a shirt to cover up the scars across his torso. Her eyes didn't leave his. "Your hands are shaking," she said evenly.

He didn't have to look at them to know that they were. "You're not supposed to be here."

Jyn took the towel slowly and handed him the warm plate. His hands were trembling so much that it was hard for him to hold it. "I know," she admitted. "How long have you kept that from me?"

He wasn't letting the subject of her sneaking into his private room go easily, especially to talk about something he really had no desire to discuss. "You can't talk your way around this, Jyn."

She shrugged. "I don't have to." She looked at him for a moment longer, and he got the uncomfortable feeling that he was being toyed with. "You haven't shaved yet."

"So?"

"How do you plan on doing that if you can barely hold a plate of food?"

He chose not to answer her question directly. "It's been 36 hours since I've eaten. I'm shaking because I'm hungry."

She let the lie go unchallenged. Jyn tossed the towel down a laundry chute and stepped back.

Cassian set the plate down and opened the wardrobe. He could feel her eyes on him even when his back was turned. He pulled out a tan shirt and yanked it over his head.

A light chuckle made him stop again. Cassian turned slowly and looked at her. She was grinning, and trying to hide it behind a hand. He raised an eyebrow, not sure if he should be annoyed or amused that he'd made her laugh.

"Enjoying the show?" he asked with more annoyance than he intended.

Her shoulders shook with suppressed laughter. "Very much," she confessed.

Cassian rolled his eyes and straightened his shirt. To avoid having to talk to her, he grabbed the plate again and began shoving large bites into his mouth.

"I've never seen you so anxious," she said.

He scoffed, and took another bite.

She watched him. Cassian noticed her eyes continue to glance at his hands, and the smile on her face faltered. Finally, when the food was nearly gone, she said, "So what was it about?" He gave her a silent look, asking her to elaborate. "The nightmare."

This time, he consciously told himself not to freeze. He acted like he didn't know what she was talking about. When the food was completely devoured, he set the plate on the table beside his bed.

Jyn picked up a bottle and examined it for a moment before holding it out to him. He recognized it at once as whiskey, his preferred method of getting his hands to stop shaking.

"It didn't take a master of the Force to make sense of the empty bottles in your ship," she said by way of explanation.

Cassian examined her for a moment before taking the bottle. He took a swig, telling himself he'd finish it after she left. He willfully relaxed and leaned back against the wall, arms crossed in front of him, left hand clasped around the brown bottle.

"Are you here to tell me that I should stop drinking and start talking more?" he asked in a mocking tone.

"No. I think you know that already." She paused. "Princess Leia came in the medical ward last night to make sure I was alright."

Something tightened in Cassian's gut. He took another sip of the alcohol, assuming he'd need it to get him through this conversation. "What did she say?"

She shrugged. "That she was glad I'm okay."

There was something else; Cassian would bet his life on it. She wouldn't bring Leia up just to tell him that. "That's all?"

She hesitated for the fraction of a second to be sure she had his attention. "She said you're a fool." Cassian raised an eyebrow. "She said that in all the years she's known you, you've never once disobeyed an order. She said you have someone to care for now, and you're failing to recognize the importance of that." She paused again, determination hardening her eyes. "She said you should have kissed me on Scarif, but you didn't, and you still haven't."

Cassian let out a heavy sigh. He'd known Leia since she was barely old enough to walk, and they had developed the best friendship he'd ever had, next to the one with K-2. She knew him like she knew the Rebellion: inside and out, for all the mess that came with it. So he knew when Jyn repeated what Leia had said that it was true. He took another swig of whiskey, feeling the familiar burning sensation in his throat.

"I had no idea you were so close to her," he finally said.

"I'm not." Jyn paused, examining the man in front of her like she would read a book. "You and the Princess have an… intense history, don't you?"

Cassian shrugged. "Intense" wasn't really how he'd describe it. They were lovers for all of four months before a particularly hard mission had cost him his soul, and they were friends after that. "We know each other well," he admitted.

"Then I think she knows what she's talking about. Leia doesn't strike me as the kind of person who would give bad advice."

"If there's a point to all of this, Jyn, get to it."

"I think we're wasting time."

He looked at her for a long moment. Cassian could see her meaning written in her eyes, and he wasn't sure how to take it. He didn't know if he should disagree, play stupid, or tell her the whole, messy truth.

He shrugged. "Alright. What do you suggest we do?"

She let out a small laugh and shook her head. "Cassian, you can't solve this with logic. This isn't a rational problem." He thought that was amusing, coming from the most reasonable woman he knew. "Stop thinking like a mechanic. Think like a human with a heart."

He wasn't sure what she wanted from him. Did he love her? He supposed he did. Logically, that was the only explanation for his irrational behavior of late. But he had no idea how to go about actually loving her. Neither of them were the type of people to steal kisses or whisper sweet nothings.

"Where is this coming from?" he asked.

She looked at him for a moment, hesitating. He watched her walls slowly crumble, leaving something so beautiful it took his breath away. "I thought I was going to die in the camp," she said slowly. "I'd made my peace with it. But I kept thinking… what would I do if I had more time? I thought of you." Cassian felt something stir inside of him. He remained silent, waiting for her to continue. "I wondered what I'd say to you, what I'd thank you for. And I thought about Scarif, and everything I didn't have the chance to say, and…"

He understood. The prospect of dying often brought thoughts of "what ifs" and-

He stopped mid-thought and laughed out loud. Cassian shook his head at his own stupidity, his own blindness. How could he think for one second that they had all the time in the world? How could he ever explain away the things he felt when he was around her?

He looked at Jyn and said, "I want to get to know you better. Will you give me that chance?"

She narrowed her eyes, bemused. "Why?"

"Because you're right. Because I'm trying to solve this like a strategist, and I can't. Because we're losing time that we may not have."

Jyn considered his offer. "Trust goes both ways," she reminded him. "I expect to get to know you better, too."

He nodded. "That's only fair. Come tonight, after dinner. We'll… what do normal people do? Have a drink?"

Jyn gave him a rather odd look. "I'll bring an extra bottle."

She turned and walked out, glancing back as the door closed. He knew that she was confused by his sudden change of attitude, but he assured himself that he'd explain it to her after he'd had time to think through what exactly he wanted to tell her. He knew she'd come; curiosity, if nothing else, would make her.

Cassian felt a weight lift from him. The stress he was putting on himself to figure all of this out, wrap it up nicely, and throw it away, was gone. What changed, he had no idea, but he could sort that out later.

The amount of time they had was far from guaranteed, but he was determined to make the most of it.

What exactly that would look like remained to be seen. He was closed-off, silent about the things that affected him. He supposed that would have to change. He took another swig of whiskey, praying his courage wouldn't fail him when she came back.


	3. Chapter 3

Cassian spent the rest of that day walking and thinking. The question of what exactly he'd tell her developed into a complex plan of speeches, questions, and answers. The trembling in his hands had lessened, but not vanished. He did his best to ignore it. This was no time to resort to complete loss of feeling, so he'd have to put up with it.

He sat down to an early dinner in the cafeteria. Grey-green eyes caught his from across the room, and he sent Jyn a reassuring smile. She looked anxious.

Cassian felt someone fill the empty seat next to him. "Something on your mind, Captain?"

He smiled at the voice. It was one he knew well. "Shouldn't you be with Skywalker, Princess?" he asked, turning to the brunette.

Leia returned his smile. "I think he can get on alright without me." She nodded across the room. "Did Jyn tell you what I said?"

"Yes. I appreciate you interfering in my life, by the way. Next time, let me handle my own problems."

She laughed. "Handle your own problems? You've never handled them, Cassian, you just shut them away where they can't interfere with your work."

He shrugged. "It's worked so far."

He was teasing her, and she knew it. Deep down, he was truly grateful for saying something to Jyn. It was the kick in the pants he needed.

Leia rolled her eyes. "No, it hasn't." She gave him a dazzling smile. "When are you going to talk to her?"

"Tonight."

"So soon? Good."

"Any last minute advice for an old friend?"

She thought for a moment. "Just keep in mind what you've lost." He raised an eyebrow. "Yourself, Cassian. You've lost yourself in this Rebellion." She motioned at Jyn. Cassian turned his gaze from the Princess to the broken rebel. She was sitting between Chirrut and Bodhi. Bodhi made an exaggerated expression. Her eyes lit up and she laughed. Cassian watched the way her eyes crinkled at the corners as her shoulders shook and her smile lit up her whole face. Something like a fluttering sensation started in his stomach, bringing a smile to his own face.

"That look on your face now," Leia continued quietly, "is you. She rescued you, Cassian, from that cage you carried around with you. You need her."

Cassian turned her words over in his mind as he watched Jyn beam at Bodhi and make a joke of her own. He knew that Leia was right. He'd felt more alive since meeting her than he had in years. She had brought him back from the edge of a dark cliff, and he'd never be able to thank her enough for that.

He turned and looked at his old friend. "Thank you, Leia."

She grinned. "It's good to see you again. Welcome back, Cassian."

He smiled softly at her words, briefly reminded of a time when he smiled often. He glanced back at Jyn. She was listening intently to a story Chirrut was telling. He watched her bring her tin cup to her lips and take a small sip. A soft smile tugged at the corners of her mouth.

"I'm going to Hoth." The sentence drew his attention back to the Princess. "I'm going to see what I can do there."

Cassia nodded. He'd been to Hoth before, and he hated every snowflake of it. "Are Skywalker and Solo going with you?"

She smirked. "Luke's going because the commander there asked for his assistance. Han's going to make sure he gets his reward."

Cassian shook his head. "Solo's a greedy breed of man."

"I'm not so sure." He gave her an incredulous look. "I think there's more to him than money."

"Don't be so sure. I've seen his kind before, at the bottom of ditches and on the tops of lonely skyscrapers. Take my advice, Leia, and stay away from him."

She nodded slowly. "I'll think it over." She stood up. "Take mine and hold onto Jyn. You need her more than you know."

Cassian nodded. He grabbed her hand and gave it a light squeeze. She leaned down and kissed his cheek. He watched her walk out of the room, the eyes of over half the rebels attracted to her.

He finished his meal as a nervous rumble settled into his gut. His eyes found Jyn again, and the feeling doubled. He stood and disposed of his dishes. Cassian crossed the room and stood behind the seat Chirrut had just vacated. He placed a hand on the table and leaned down, facing his friends.

"Finally stopped flirting with the Princess, I see," Bodhi said with a smirk. Cassian shot him an unamused glare. He shrugged. "I'm just saying you two seem pretty tight."

Cassian ignored Bodhi and turned to Jyn. She had an odd look on her face, and avoided his eyes. "How's your leg?"

"Fine."

"Are… we still on for tonight?"

"What's going on tonight?" Bodhi was quick to ask.

Without a flicker of the rushed panic he felt, Cassian lied, "Target practice. Jyn wanted me to teach her to use a sniper rifle."

The ease with which he lied should probably have bothered him more than it did. Jyn glanced at him, but didn't say anything to contradict the lie.

Bodhi smirked. "Target practice. Sure."

Cassian gave the young pilot a cold look. "Bodhi, whatever you're thinking, drop it."

"Whatever you say, Captain."

He turned back to Jyn. "I freed up my night."

"How nice of you," she replied. The edge in her voice didn't go unnoticed.

He scrutinized her for a moment, trying to read her while she stubbornly avoided his gaze. "Jyn, are you still coming?"

She shrugged. "Don't know. Are you sure you want to?"

His eyes narrowed. The venom that seeped from her words, though thinly veiled in politeness, put him on edge. Surprise flickered in his eyes as he figured out what was wrong. Without looking at their friend, he said, "Bodhi, take five."

"I'm on break right now."

"Then get back to work."

Bodhi looked between the two, feeling the air tremble with the nearly palpable tension. Deciding he didn't want to see whatever was about to go down, he stood up and left the room in an uncharacteristic march.

Cassian continued to watch her for several moments. "Do you want to take this outside?" he asked.

"Whatever you say, Captain." She stood up and walked ahead of him.

He walked behind her until they were out of the cafeteria, and then grabbed her arm to make her slow down. She tried to jerk her arm away, but he wouldn't let her. He all but dragged her into the nearest little-used conference room, securing the door behind him.

"Talk," he demanded.

"Let me out. I've got target practice," she spat.

"Is that what you're angry about? Me lying to Bodhi?"

"Of course not! I mean… I'm not angry. Let me out."

He blocked the door with his body. "You're practically spewing steam, Jyn, now talk to me. You're going to explode sooner or later, so it might as well be now!"

She crossed her arms and looked at him. He carefully masked how much the fire in her eyes surprised him. "Fine. What's with you and the Princess?" Her tone brought a challenge, daring him to lie to her.

Cassian felt a small degree of self-satisfaction, having known exactly what was bothering her. It was quickly followed by a wave of shame that he should feel something like that when the woman he was doing his best to love was angry at him.

"Leia is a friend," he said sternly.

"How good of a friend?"

"Jyn, you're being ridiculous!"

"How good of a friend!?"

He couldn't understand why it mattered so much. Cassian held her gaze without answering. She knew that she was being unreasonable; how could she not?

When no answer came, she scoffed. "That's what I thought."

Jyn moved to push past him, but he grabbed her arm and shoved her back. She stumbled, and glared at him. A pang struck his chest, but he ignored it. "Listen to me. Leia Organa is a very good friend. We've seen a lot together, and her father was my mentor after my own father died. But whatever else you think she is to me… you're dead wrong, Jyn."

"Am I? Has she ever been anything more than a friend to you?"

Cassian was sure the discomfort showed on his face for the fraction of a second, because something like sadness flashed across hers. He didn't want to answer that, not when she was so angry. He hadn't planned on telling her about Leia at all that night. The ferocity in her stance, the fire in her eyes, told him that no lie would escape her now.

With a deep breath, Cassian nodded.

"How long ago?"

"Three years. I was twenty-four."

That caught her off guard. "Oh." The fire in her eyes diminished. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because even a very brief romance with the Princess of Alderaan isn't exactly something I want getting out."

"You mean no one knows?" He shook his head. "How long did it last?"

"Four months."

"What happened?"

He paused. All of this digging into his past made him want to run. Cassian took a breath, stood his ground, and said, "I left on an assassination assignment. I came back a different man. Didn't think I was right for her anymore."

He'd let more emotion show on his face than he wanted to. He saw the way her eyes scanned his, crossing over his face. It was uncanny, the way she could read him. Finally, she dropped her gaze and took a step back. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have made you talk about that."

Cassian shrugged. "I did promise to let you get to know me. You should know that you might not like what you find."

"I'll take the chance." It was, quite honestly, better than Cassian could have hoped for. He thought she'd be furious. "Is the drink still an option?"

He nodded. "'Course. Let me get my rifle."

"Your rifle?"

"You don't expect Bodhi to leave us alone for long, do you? An alibi is always a good thing to have in this business. Meet me in my room."

She let out a small laugh. Her smile was much smaller than it had been at dinner, but he'd take it over a scowl any day. He opened the door for her. He carefully avoided anyone who might possibly want to start a conversation with him as he retrieved his rifle from the ship.

Jyn was already holding the bottle of whiskey when he walked in. A light pink tinted her cheeks, and he knew she was nervous. He secured the rifle across one shoulder and took the whiskey from her.

"I thought drinking and shooting didn't mix well," she said.

Cassian merely shrugged as he buckled the bottle to his belt. "We'll be careful. It takes more than a bottle of this stuff to get me drunk anyway."

She raised her eyebrows, but let the comment slide. He crossed his room and opened the window. A warm breeze blew in, scented by the smell of a forest mixed with the bustle of the Rebel base. He turned to Jyn and offered her his hand. She took it and leaned out of the window.

"What are we doing?"

"Trust me," he said. He lifted himself up on the windowsill, and climbed out. His fingers found the familiar rocky side of the ancient pyramid, and he pulled himself completely out of his apartment. He found handholds and footholds in plenty. He'd made the climb several times, but not since Scarif. It sent a chill down his spine, and a throb shot through his back.

"Are you alright?" her voice called from just below him. Cassian realized he'd stopped. He shook himself, assured her that he was fine, and continued to scale the old structure.

He reached the top, a rocky ledge that spanned the upper perimeter of the pyramid. Cassian heaved himself up, and held out a hand to help her. As usual, she didn't need it. She stood and faced the horizon, taking in the expanse spread out before them. The sun was reaching its lowest, and the backdrop of sky had just begun to turn a pale pink.

Cassian set the rifle aside and removed the bottle from his belt. He offered it to her, but she seemed not to hear him. Her eyes were glazed over; she was a million miles away.

He watched her in silence, taking time to examine her more closely. She had a gift for making you forget in a moment just how beautiful she really was, so that every time you looked closely at her you were blown away. Or maybe it was just him. The way her eyes sparkled, flecks of gold and silver illuminating the already bright orbs, nearly took his breath away.

Jyn blinked, and shook herself. She noticed his eyes on her, and blushed just enough. "Sorry."

He shook his head. "Stop apologizing." He handed her the bottle, and she took a drink. "What were you thinking about?"

It took her a moment to reply. "Nothing. Just… the sunset."

Cassian examined the sunset, and immediately understood. Scarif.

"That's behind us," he reminded both of them.

She nodded, and raised the bottle to her lips again. The silence stretched on as they watched the sun crawl down across the sky, casting beautiful colors through the emptiness of the heavens. Cassian compared this sunset with her to a very similar one, though that sun had seemed to be setting on their own lives.

"Are you going to teach me to fire a rifle?"

He smirked at her. "If you want to learn."

"I might as well."

He considered her for a moment before stooping and picking up the weapon. He lay on his stomach and motioned for her to do the same. After a moment's hesitation, she dropped down beside him. He showed her how to hold it, and let her take it.

Jyn Erso was no stranger to firearms, but she looked awkward with the precision blaster in her hands. After a brief hesitation, he moved closer to her and draped an arm over her back so he could move her opposite hand over the trigger. He felt her tense, and then relax again. He took the hand nearest him and positioned it around the underside of the barrel. Gently, he made sure the butt of the gun was pressed into her shoulder.

Their close proximity heightened his senses, making him aware of her every twitch, every breath, every heartbeat. It was maddening, but the last thing he wanted to do was pull away. The warmth coming from her body and the smell of her hair were so familiar for things he'd only experienced once.

He realized just how much he'd been thinking about her, analyzing her, committing the moment he'd embraced her to memory. Cassian doubted even the best Imperial Wipe could rid him of the feeling inside him as he held her.

Jyn looked through the sight, honing in on something in the trees. She was unbelievably focused, like a predator. Her finger found the trigger.

"Take a breath." They were so close that he didn't need to speak above a soft whisper. "Let it out slow, and fire."

He felt her deep intake of breath, felt her body go completely still, and then the exhale as she pressed the trigger. The shot was muffled by the silencer. He saw the red laser disappear into the forest.

"Did you get it?" he asked.

She nodded. Jyn turned her head, their faces only inches apart. "I got it," she replied. "A mouse."

He smiled, clearly impressed. "Good job."

They stared at each other. Her expression was soft, and he tried to figure out what she was thinking. She turned back to the blaster.

"Think you've got the hang of it?" Cassian asked.

"No. I think I better try one more."

He smiled. She knew perfectly well how to handle the rifle by now, but she didn't want him to move away. She intentionally placed her hand in the wrong spot so he'd have to reach around her to fix it.

"That's it," he whispered as he fixed her hand. He felt a slight tremor move down her body. "Are you cold?"

She shook her head. He slid his hand gently down her arm to adjust her position, and felt the shiver again. He carefully hid the smile threatening to break across his face, realizing she felt their closeness as acutely as he did.

He watched the golden rays shine off her hair, highlighting the features on her face. She focused on something else, took a deep breath, let it out, and fired. The tension in her muscles that acted as a shield against the world was gone, leaving her more relaxed than he'd ever seen, much less felt.

She grinned proudly, and he knew she'd hit her target again. "You're a natural," he said.

"It helps to have a good teacher."

Jyn turned her head again and met his eyes. After a moment, she shifted her body out from under his arm and held the rifle out to him. Making note of the cold left by the increased space between them, he took the weapon from her and sat up. She sat next to him, and grabbed the bottle again.

"How old were you?"

Jyn looked at him curiously. "What?"

For a moment, Cassian was surprised himself. He hadn't meant to ask that question out loud. He cleared his throat, and said, "When your father was taken. How old were you?"

The peace left her eyes, replaced by sadness. Cassian immediately regretted reminding her of the things she'd lost, but he didn't retract the question.

"I was eight," she finally answered.

"What happened?"

Jyn was silent for a moment, thinking over that terrible day. "I grew up in hiding. My father was hunted by the Empire, and the day they found us, he went out to give my mother and me time to hide. Saw was a friend of my parents'; mamma called him. She took me halfway to the safe room, and then stopped. She gave me this necklace." She pulled a crystal from under her shirt, tied to a string that she wore around her neck constantly.

After another moment, she continued. "She told me to trust the Force, and then ran back. I followed her. She confronted Krennic, and he ordered her to be killed. She shot him in the shoulder. Papa ran to her, but she died before he reached her. Krennic told his Death Troopers to find the child they had. I ran, and hid where I was supposed to. It was hours before Saw finally came, and he took me to his Rebel camp. I stayed with him until I was sixteen, when he abandoned me."

Cassian imaged Jyn as small child, terrified, tears streaming down her cheeks, with the hardness in her eyes that must have been new then. He wasn't sure what he could say, and then realized he didn't have to say anything at all.

Jyn looked out onto the horizon again. The first stars had begun to twinkle above them, and the very last sliver of sun disappeared behind the trees. A glint of light on her cheek caught his attention. A drop of water slowly trickled down her face.

He touched her cheek, catching the tear on his finger. She turned. Her eyes shone with tears that hadn't yet fallen. She looked so broken in that moment, so lost.

The tears finally fell. Cassian felt something in him break, and he cupped her face between his hands, wiping away the drops with the pads of his thumbs. He hadn't seen her cry since her father died, and it filled him with something like anger, but not quite anger.

She was looking to him for comfort, so he drew her close, wrapping his arms around her in an embrace that couldn't quite heal her. A deep ache settled in his chest. He couldn't fix her problems, couldn't mend her broken pieces.

But he could make her feel loved. Would that be enough?

His fingers found the immaculate bun tied at the back of her head, and gently undid it. He felt her hair beneath his fingers, and ran a hand through it. Another shudder went through her body.

Jyn pulled away and looked at him, only a matter of inches between them. He brushed a strand of hair from her face, staring into her eyes, seeing so much more.

Before he fully processed what he was doing, Cassian leaned toward her. He watched her eyelids flutter and close as he carefully, cautiously, kissed her.

He felt her hand on the back of his neck, drawing him closer. For the first moment in his life, nothing mattered but what was right in front of him. He closed his eyes, allowing himself to get lost in the taste of her, the feel of her.

She kissed him like he was a peace she desperately needed, and he kissed her like he had an eternity to memorize the way she felt against him.

A loud bang made them jerk apart. Bodhi came into view barely a second later, giving Cassian just enough time to expand the space between them. Jyn's cheeks were bright pink, and he did his best to look calm and collected as Bodhi smirked at them.

"Target practice?" he asked.

"What is it?" Cassian snapped.

"We've got a mission from General Draven. He wants all of Rogue One on it."

Cassian and Jyn shared a look, and turned back to Bodhi. "We'll be right there," Jyn said.

Bodhi nodded, smirked knowingly, and left the way he came. When they were sure he was gone, Cassian looked at Jyn carefully. She was embarrassed, but clearly happy.

Cassian ran a hand through his hair. "I guess we'd better cut target practice short."

Jyn let out a small laugh, and nodded. "I suppose so." She stood and offered him her hand. He took it, and straightened. "Thanks for the lesson."

He wasn't quite ready to let her go. He brushed the back of his finger across her cheek, moving another strand of hair to examine her better.

She let the moment go on for several seconds, then stooped and picked up the gun. They left the whiskey on the ledge, and walked back inside the base through the door in the platform. The distance between them had closed enough for him to be comfortable placing a protective hand on her back.

He glanced at his hand, and noticed that it wasn't shaking anymore. The tension in his shoulders was nearly gone, the weight inside him lifted. Maybe he didn't need to drink to ease the pain inside him. Maybe he just needed her.


End file.
